How NOT To Make Pancakes
Who doesn't like pancakes? ... Well my daughter Ruby. Actually she likes them with just butter but no maple syrup, she's weird like that.
So once again I was single parenting. Once again the kids were sick when hubby was conveniently 'away working.' I'd spent the afternoon and night on the couch racked with stomach cramps, interrupted only by sprinting trips to the bathroom. ... Why is this book always about poop? ....
Elias was sick with stomach cramps too. Ruby, two days previous, had had it easy; fast and furious vomiting. Eli and I weren't so lucky. .... Finally got the kids to sleep at 9:30pm. Hungry but not hungry I tried to get to sleep, but couldn't. So I downloaded free 'tetris' on my phone and played for 45 minutes, until I was interrupted by Eli, 'Need to sleep in Muma's bed.' .... And then a few minutes later, Ruby joined us, along with the dog, and then a cat. I was already unbearably hot and uncomfortable, but what's four more bodies when ya really just don't want to be touched?
Long night, continually disrupted by requests for glasses of water, or covers or snuggles.
Eli woke up early and watched show on my phone, but quickly fell back asleep. Ruby and I got up at 8:30 am. Practically unheard of, the day felt half over. But the stomach cramps remained so we took it easy....until trapped in the bathroom with no tissue paper I called for Ruby to rescue me by grabbing some tissue from the downstairs bathroom... and she wouldn't. So, I did what any mother would naturally do; started yelling that I would 'come out there and wipe my bum on you, if you don't help me NOW!'
A screaming match ensued and Elias was woken up. Still sweating and angry from Ruby and I's altercation I turned off the tv as punishment. ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE.
Elias was fevered and sniveling about pancakes, Ruby was jumping up and down wanting the tv put back on.
“I'll behave! I'll behave now!' She wailed.
“Mammaaaaaa! Mama! Puleez can I have pancakes?' he cried, holding onto an empty plate.
“Mum! Mum! MUM! I MISS daddy!” Ruby cried, attempting to change her tactics to gain sympathy.
“I WANT PANCAKES NOW!” Elias, shouted over top of his sister's cries to be heard.
The dog cowered in the corner. I always wonder what the neighbour's must think?
And on, and on it went. While I tried with my foggy brain and cramping stomach to start making pancakes...
Got most of the ingredients correct, except for twice the necessary sugar – oops? And three times the needed baking powder – shit.
Whatever, stir it up, have kids fighting over stirring while I make sure that I haven't forgotten anything. Tummy still cramping, brain still foggy, kids still at 100 MILLION decibels...
Manage to pour two pancakes into the hot pan; they meld together making one big one. -Shit.
Fight ensues over the one glass of water left on the table from last night and who gets to drink out of it first. Get another glass, but it isn't the same as the existing glass so no one wants to drink out of it.
Pancakes, super bubbly, baking powder foams and then deflates... Great, rock hard, overly sweetened pancakes – yum!
Both children still sniveling, crying and generally causing a hullabaloo.... I slather butter on the pancakes, syrup only on one and serve.... Elias devours his, Ruby says it's 'too squishy' and wont eat.
I pour the rest of the batter into the pan and realize I've just made a GIGANTIC burning mess, that I can't flip, can't salvage and can't eat. - Perfect.
Everybody still crying, sniveling, whining, and yelling I turn on the tv I had already said they'd lost privileges too. -Fuck it.
A fight over which show to watch and who's turn it is to 'pick' ensues. ... I ingore it, and the mess of the pancakes and start writing.
Good morning! Have a fantastic fucking day!
Buy my book when it comes out!